Can’t we all just get along?  This is quickly becoming my new mantra, and not because I’m feeling all Kris Kringle’ish.  In our daily professional lives, we do a bit of a forced march to interact with people we wouldn’t normally befriend.  We get to be much more selective in our after hours, personal time.  In our twenties, our friends were everyone at the kegger.  As time wore on, those people wore on our nerves and were banished from our call list or we just grew apart as our lives went in different directions.  Perhaps we were able to maintain the friendship when they got married, but it became impossible when they started having kids.  Whatever the case, as our spare time dwindled due to busy careers, families and increased responsibilities, so did our number of “real” friends.  At times, each of our real friends has probably plucked our nerves or done something to disappoint us.  It happens.   We may let some distance grow between us, but eventually one of us makes the call to get things back on track.  In the grand scheme of things, we realize that the friendship means more than the perceived “injustice” which after a week or two we probably can’t even remember.   At some point we realize that we’re all a little crazy, and decide which quirks we can live with and which are like nails on a chalkboard.  Frankly, I thank God every day for my friends and family who haven’t banished me to Freak Island.  
Of course, we’ve all probably had to do the friend break up, or turn a friend into a “frienemy.”  Frienemies are likely the same as what Julia Cameron refers to as “crazymakers” in her book, “The Artist’s Way.”  Per Cameron, “Crazymakers are those personalities that create storm centers. They are often charismatic, frequently charming, highly inventive, and powerfully persuasive…Crazymakers like drama. If they can swing it, they are the star. Everyone around them functions as supporting cast, picking up their cues, their entrances and exits, from the crazymaker’s (crazy) whims.”  I had a co-worker in my twenties whom quickly became a friend.  It was fun at first.  She was beautiful and vibrant―someone to be envied.  At first I was jealous of her “popularity.”  Her phone was constantly ringing off the hook―boyfriends, guys she had just met at 7-11, ex-boyfriends, etc.  “Wow―this girl has got it going on, right?”  We’d sit down for a drink, and the next thing I knew, she’d be on the phone either flirting up a storm or fighting with whichever guy happened to be calling. She totally played them all.  She’d schedule dates and not show up.  She’d be professing her undying love to someone over the phone while she was in a bar handing her business card to some random guy.  I was enthralled and amazed, yet it didn’t take long however for her “crazymaking ways” to wear on me.  An evening out would turn into her crying about some perceived hurt inflicted upon her―but wait―“didn’t you stand him up last week for the guy you met at the gas station?”  Or worse―it would end up with her calling the police on some guy who was “stalking” her.  “Do you really think he’s stalking you?  Maybe he just keeps coming by and calling because he’s confused as to why you accepted his diamond engagement ring and then showed him the ghost because you wanted to date your ex for awhile.  Oh―but you forgot to tell him that little detail.  Do you think maybe that could be the reason he’s acting a little CRAZY?!”  Talk about a storm center.  Whew.  I’m sure the Weather Bureau has named a hurricane after her by now. Some people just know how to stir up crazy in totally sane people.  You know who you are! Anyhow―I began feeling the stress of her drama and had to break up with her.  I mourned the loss, but I moved on.  
What never gets easier is ending a love relationship.  I’m not a serial dater so when I invite someone into my life, it means something to me.  Hopefully, it means something to him as well! When it doesn’t work out (which it hasn’t yet―see “Single Space” above), it doesn’t mean that I stopped liking the person.  “Hey―I like you!”  We just didn’t work―for whatever reason.  I think we tend to lose sight of that and it’s so important.  Let’s face it―life is hard.  As we mature, we are no longer surrounded by a bar full of people we think are our “friends.”  Yes―those people may know your name and are always glad you came, but they probably aren’t going to be the ones driving you to chemo―God forbid.  Our circle of friends has become more about quality and less about quantity, and hopefully, we’ve carried that same discernment over into our love lives.  “Must have hot car” has been replaced by “Must be kind to strangers” on our ideal mate list.  BTW―having a “list” doesn’t make you shallow―it makes you smart―unless of course, #1 on your list is “smoking car.” We are honing in on the core values that are important to us, and when we meet someone who shares those values, wouldn’t it be great to allow the caring to continue even after the relationship has ended?  
Caring about someone is big.  Having people care about us is even bigger.  My heart won’t allow me to stop caring on command.  And, I don’t know about you, but I’m looking to grow my sphere of “people who care about me,” not decrease it.  I certainly don’t want to add anyone to my “foe” list just because my heart is hurting.  I also don’t want to “delete” you out of my life.  Try and try as you may, you can’t wiggle your nose and make a person and/or a relationship vanish.  If only it were that easy!  Time and a little distance do wonders for an aching heart.  I’d much rather let a little time pass and invite you over for coffee then delete you from my Blackberry and shred your emails.  See “hey―I like you” above.  It’s going to probably take a long time before I suggest a double date, but like anything else, it all begins with baby steps.
As I enter my forties, I’m much more in tune with what I want and expect out of friends and lovers.  What can I say, I’m a late bloomer.  I have a simple philosophy, however, that works for me―I never ask or expect anything that I’m not willing to give.  I have high expectations of myself and of others.  I fall short sometimes and I’ve learned to forgive myself.  My friends and lovers fall short sometimes, and I’ve learned to forgive them as well.  It’s the price of admission to have them in my life, and it’s a bargain! I can only hope that they continue forgiving me when I don’t live up to their expectations.  Funny―I was thinking I should be writing a holiday-themed column, but I guess maybe I did.  In the spirit of the Season, I wish you all love, friendship and forgiveness.  

Lori Welch is the founder of JCL Services, Ltd., the area’s premier personal concierge and professional organizing company serving clients in DC/MD/VA since 2001 and recently named Best Concierge and Closet Organizer by Northern Virginia Magazine.  Email Lori at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

< Prev		Next >