Pretty audacious of me to ask that, right?  I mean, YOU are not a martyr.  But that guy who sits across the makeshift hall from you, in his cubicle?  He is a freaking martyr. Am I right?  If he’s not whining about being the only one who ever makes the coffee, he’s reminding you that he’s gotten in early and/or stayed late to work on your (joint) project more than anyone else on the team.

The martyr could be your mother-in-law who always laments that she couldn’t ever just pick up and head off to that art class she’s been longing to attend because the grandkids would be bereft without her.  

Taking on the role of the Martyr can be second-nature for most of us.  It’s a rare bird who NEVER puts on the cloak of “suffering on behalf of others.”  That’s because our society rewards that kind of suffering. It’s not suffering in the role of the victim, it’s shouldering the choice to put your needs, your passions and your desires aside on behalf of someone or something else.

You see, we (you and me and pretty much everyone else we meet) seem to wear our struggle as a badge of honor.  We spend our time one-upping each other’s martyr stories (don’t deny the fact that you felt a little smug telling your neighbor how many hours you put in on the budget for that new government contract you’re spearheading, only to feel a little miffed when she brought up how she was stranded in Peoria on her son’s 5th birthday all for the good of her project.)

When you’re in a martyr state you feel helpless and stagnant. You’re denying you’re right to personal happiness in order to (so you say) maintain peace, balance or stability for others.

If you’re feeling stuck at work, in love or with your bank account, chances are better than good it’s directly connected to your preferred “Martyr Zone.”  

Here’s what I’m talking about, if you’re constant making excuses for that guy who never shows up to your big black-tie event even though he said he would – your love life is causing your pain and suffering at worst and is non-existent at best.

If you’re putting your life on hold in order to put in a few more hours at the office, your career is stagnating or moving much slower than you expected.

Finishing that law degree because it’s going to make your Dad proud?  Take a look around at your close friendships and family relationships – notice how they’re less than what you think they should be.

Not only that, but you’re probably having some sort of minor (or major) physical discomfort in your reproductive region.  

Why?

No one likes to feel indebted – to you or anyone else – and some of your process sounds a lot like manipulation to those around you.   When you tell that guy how disappointed you are that he didn’t show up again and you point out that you’re not asking him to do anything you wouldn’t expect of yourself, you’re manipulating him.  No matter how you slice it, you’re inflicting guilt.  To be honest, he’s not going to change a thing if he doesn’t want to.  You holding onto the image of what can be when he finally comes around is only putting off your right to happiness.

What you can do is this – acknowledge that you have a right to be and do what you want. Acknowledge as well that you don’t have the right to insist your choices are right for anyone else.  Recognize that your needs may be different from those you love, work with and share space with and that’s okay – you don’t need to sublimate your needs for them any more than you can guilt them into accepting yours.
The underlying work is a bit harder – you’ve got to be willing to look deeply at the emotional issues that are blocking your happiness and holding you in the martyr-syndrome. Then you can choose to be happy by releasing your martyr identity.  

Which begs the question, who would you be if you weren’t a martyr?

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