I’ve always said that being in limbo is a form of hell in most situations, whether it has to do with your job, your health or your relationships.  It’s that awful ground of waiting, biding time and the unknown.  Not knowing the findings of the chest x-ray.  Not knowing whether or not your name has been added to the latest round of layoffs.  Not knowing whether or not your significant other is coming back after he slammed the door on his way out.  Once you know the outcome of anything, even if it’s bad news, life starts getting easier.  Why is that?  Because you regain control.  You can start weighing your OPTIONS and making decisions to move forward.  Once you realize you HAVE options, the universe opens up.  I remember back in the early nineties being in a job where I wasn’t very happy.  The money was good and the commute was reasonable, but I was miserable.  I also felt like I didn’t have options—for whatever reason, I felt stuck.  “I’ll never be able to find another job where I have these kind of benefits, make this much money, and have this much autonomy.”  So I sat at my desk in self-induced purgatory aka limbo until I couldn’t take it anymore.  Note that you can come up with all sorts of excuses for keeping yourself in limbo. One day I walked out of my office onto K Street, looked up and down the block, and had the sudden realization that there were probably two hundred companies on that one city block alone.  Wasn’t it possible that at least one of those companies might need someone with my skill set and be willing to compensate me accordingly?  As soon as that epiphany struck, my world opened up.  I didn’t even have to send out my resume.  Someone I shared the elevator with occasionally struck up a conversation with me, and lo and behold, she was a recruiter.  She sent me on an interview, and two weeks later, I was sitting at my new desk just blocks away.  My new job had a bigger salary, better benefits and lots of growth potential.   

It’s the same with relationships and dating.  Sometimes we feel stuck in the waffly world of limbo. We’re floating in the abyss of aloneness or drifting along in a so/so relationship.  You’re not unhappy, but you’re not happy. Once you have a foothold on what your current situation is (stuck in bad relationship or stuck on your couch), what you want, and what is holding you back, you can assess your options.  I’ve often compared dating to interviewing.  I’ve always appreciated the fact that the more interviews I went on, the more comfortable and at ease I began to feel—more experience gave me more confidence. Practice makes perfect—not unlike dating.  More importantly, I also discovered that a bad interview, i.e., for a job I realized I’d hate, helped me to focus in on what I really wanted vs. what I knew I didn’t. It became a game of process of elimination, which helped narrow the playing field.  It also helped me get clear on my options. It’s the same with dating. In my own dating life, I usually take time out between relationships to take a step back and think about what I enjoyed, what I didn’t, and how I can use that knowledge in my next relationship.  When I’m ready to move on, I wade back into the dating pool. Being in the dating pool can be scary and ominous or it can be fun and exciting.  It depends on whether or not you realize that there’s a whole big wide world of options out there!  

My first few dates upon my most recent re-entry reminded me of this very thing.  I met a man I was reasonably attracted to and thought we shared some things in common.  For some reason, on our first date he gave me several backhanded compliments, and was intent on finding out the “real” reason I was still single (an anomaly to him since he had 3 marriages under his belt).  I managed to roll his comments off my back and smiled through his “you probably have 12 cats” joke.   “Lori—you’re just being sensitive.  He’s probably nervous.  Cut him some slack. He seems like a nice person.”  So I did, even though in reality I left our date feeling exhausted like I had worked at trying to have fun.  My belief, however, is that even if you’re only 2% attracted to someone, you should give it a second chance.  We all deserve a second chance, right? When he asked for a second date, I invited him over for an impromptu cookout hoping that the casual atmosphere would help.  Unfortunately, things didn’t go much better.  He made comments that I took as insults. He thought he was being funny; I thought he was being rude. He complained about my cooking and made a crack about my age (he’s 6 years older, BTW).  Hmmm.  By the end of the date, I felt drained.  Don’t ask me why, but I accepted when he invited me out for a third date.  Luckily during the third date—I had my epiphany.  Why was I doing this?  This guy may have the best intentions.  He may very well be the nicest person on the planet, but he doesn’t make ME feel good.  Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, just means he’s not my guy. Some other woman is going to think his jokes are hysterical.  She’s going to adore him, and he deserves that…just not from me.  Anyhow—my epiphany was that I have OPTIONS, and one of those options is staying home and reading a good book when the occasion calls for it.  Laugh, but you know what?  Sometimes that’s a better option than being with someone who doesn’t light your fire. I went back to the dating pool and waded in.  This time I approached it with an attitude of abundance.  Look over there—there are tons of great guys over in the deep end!  Look how many!  There has to be at least one who will make me laugh, laugh at my jokes and whose company I will thoroughly enjoy.  Someone who makes me smile at the end of the date vs. wanting to grab a box of Kleenex and assume the fetal position.  Guess what?  I’ve had some great dates with some really fun and funny guys.  The dates have ended and I’ve thought, “Wow—that was nice…and easy…and comfortable.”  And that’s the way it should be.  I don’t have to try to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I don’t have to always work hard at making something work.  I have options.  The universe is good like that.  

Lori Welch is the owner of JCL Services, Ltd., the areas premiere professional organizing and personal concierge company serving clients in DC/MD/VA since 2001.  www.jclservicesltd.com.  To comment on Single Space, send Lori at note at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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