Dating is an art.  And sometimes, it feels like quite a “lost” art.  Could be a skill, but I also think it’s a skill one can work at and acquire.  Be it art or skill, it definitely takes practice. “Good” daters are people who have been on a date or two or 83.  They’ve picked up some pointers, made a few mistakes, and gotten a little confidence under their belt. By “good,” I mean people who know there is an ebb and flow to dating. There is set up and planning.  There is execution and banter. There are gestures and subtle nuances. There is a new breed of daters who haven’t had the luxury of a lot of practice.  They are the “currently separated.”  They’ve always been around, but at forty-something, they’re relatively new to my dating sphere.  They’re the men who have spent most of their adult life among the married people.  They married their high school or college sweetheart, bought the house with the white picket fence, got the promotion, had a couple of kids, coached little league, and then woke up one day to find themselves in the deep end of the dating pool without so much as a life vest.  I actually feel really badly for these guys.  Dating has evolved a bit since 1984, and they weren’t given an instruction book (like they’d read it!).  Now there’s texting, dating websites, profiles, winks, expectations, stepfamilies, sexting, Facebook, Twitter (no date tweeting!), etc.  

Before they can even think about dating (hopefully), they are transitioning from the marital house, which I’m sure is not without its stresses.  As one “currently separated” friend joked, “I used to spend all my Saturdays at Home Depot. Now it’s Bed, Bath & Beyond.” Ahhh.  He is the lucky man who has teenagers with a knack for interior design.  Presumably, there’s probably a re-introduction to Mr. Washer and Ms. Dryer, as well as Ms. Microwave.  I’m not saying that all men are foreign to the concept of domestic life, but I’d wager a guess that quite a few have been spoiled by the traditional gender roles that marriage often embodies.  Perhaps, however, they weren’t happy in those roles so maybe doing their own laundry is a fair trade off.  As with most major changes, there should be an adjustment, or transition period—a little breathing room so to speak.  Like some of my female friends, however, a lot of these guys are jumping from one relationship to the next.  “Goodbye, frying pan.  Hello, fire.”  We’re human. We like to be connected. It feels good. We all have egos and sometimes they need stroking. I get it. I am a big fan of immediate gratification, but I also know where it eventually leads me, and it usually isn’t someplace I inevitably want to be.

Let’s forget the Bachelor Bed, Bath & Beyond pad for a moment. I would imagine for anyone coming out of a long-term, committed relationship there’s a very strong desire not to make the same mistakes. I’m not just talking about what color towels to put in the guest bath.  One of my male friends coming out of a 15-year marriage won’t even look twice at another blonde.  “Sorry my ex was a blonde, and they may have nothing else in common, but I’m going the total opposite of what I had before.”  Ouch.  For many of us, there are the ghosts of dating past, but think about what that’s like for someone who has spent the past twenty years building a life with someone.  Hopefully, there are a lot of really good memories swirling around in those handsome little heads, but for some, there could be some post-traumatic stress syndrome happening. Talk about the walking wounded. All I’m saying is have a little empathy. If you happen to find yourself dating one of these guys (maybe not your wisest move), try not to take everything personally.  Give him the space he needs to figure things out.

Assuming there has been a reasonable transition period, it may be time for Dating 101.  I’m a fan of perusing the shelves of your local Barnes & Noble for some guidance in tomes such as “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again” or “The Boomer’s Guide to Online Dating.” Hey, but maybe it is just like riding a bike.  Not!  Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “Wow—this sounds just like my brother.”  Or maybe it sounds like your colleague or new neighbor.  Maybe you could anonymously drop a copy on their doorstep—please, if not for them, do it for all the single ladies.  Seriously.  We’re begging. Really, I’m not poking fun, but dating can be challenging for anyone. We all need a little help trying to figure things out.  My goal here is only to keep as few people from getting hurt in the process as possible. If you find yourself dating someone who is in the throes of a divorce maybe it’s you who needs the guidance.  Personally speaking, I’ve never been divorced so I have no clue as to the emotion toll that entails, nor do I want to, but I’d definitely want to be armed with some info if I were in that dating scenario.  A quick search on Amazon finds “How to Survive Your Boyfriend’s Divorce,” and “Dating the Divorced Man.” Could be worth the price of admission to check them out.

I talk to a lot of folks about dating, and I find it fascinating to hear their preferences and deal breakers. Some of my never-been married single female readers won’t date a man who has never been married.  “There’s a reason he’s still single—he’s a player.” Some won’t date anyone who has been divorced and has kids.  “I don’t want to raise anyone else’s kids.”  Others won’t even contemplate dating someone who isn’t legally divorced. “I’m not going to be the rebound chick” or “In the eyes of God and the law, he’s still married.”  I’m sure that response will ignite a fierce debate. Clearly, it’s an immensely personal choice.  Regardless of anyone’s situation, look on them with kindness and compassion, especially if they’re a newbie.

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