May is for spring blooms and warm weather and outdoor cafes and new romances. It is a happy, hopeful time. It is also the month when we celebrate our Moms, and for some like me who have lost theirs, it is bittersweet. My own Mom passed away unexpectedly two years ago. Like many mothers and daughters, our relationship was complicated, but the simple, unshakable truth was that we loved each other. No one will ever love me again the way my mom loved me, and when you recognize that and it’s gone, it leaves quite a void. My Mom was a fairly quiet person; you didn’t necessarily notice her in a crowd because she didn’t demand attention. Her presence was subtle, but significant. She wasn’t an in-your-face parent, but rather she was the rock that you knew was there if you needed it. Like any good daughter, I scoffed at all of her advice for years. What did she know? Our lives were so different. How could she possibly understand my challenges? She married my Dad when she was 22 and started having babies. She never pursued a career or felt the sting of disappointments from broken relationships. She didn’t have to make decisions about drugs and face the scare of AIDS. So her nuggets of wisdom like “Keep your gas tank filled up at all times” and “don’t let a boy make you cry” fell on deaf ears. She dispensed advice like Pez dispenses candy and like that candy, I thought it was all sugar coated. Now that she’s gone, of course, I wish that I had it all written down somewhere so that I could have something to refer to in confusing times. Where do I turn to now for advice and guidance? I know that I’m a grown up and I’m supposed to have all the answers, but the real truth is that I don’t. Of course, girlfriends are a good place to start. Where would I be without my BFFs (Best Friends Forever)? They keep me on track. Of course, like any good friend, I listen to all their words of advice and adjust it to meet my own needs. I ignore some and some gets added to my mental file and acted upon.
I’m also a big reader and so a trip to Barnes and Noble can be as invaluable as a session on the therapist’s couch. Anne Lamott, Elizabeth Lesser, Louise Hay and countless others have helped me through some major crises in my life. Of course, some traumatic (aka dramatic) events, i.e., boyfriend break ups required a combo of tricks from the arsenal—hours and hours spent with well-meaning girlfriends and endless bottles of wine; long, hot baths; and nightstands filled with books with tear-stained, dog-eared pages and highlighted passages.
Of course, now we also have another genre to help us get through the trying times of our lives—reality TV. If I’m feeling a little down I can just turn on “Real Housewives of OC” and realize that having huge bank accounts, fake nails, and breast implants isn’t necessarily a prescription for happiness. If I’m feeling less than perfect, I spend an hour with some poor person battling an addiction on A&Es “Intervention.” No matter what is going on in my own life, I haven’t stolen from anyone or let someone use my body in exchange for a fix. It’s a good day.
Even Kourtney, Kim and Khloe Kardashian face challenges, albeit somewhat different from my own. Sure, they are celebrities with lots of cash, but they are maturing women who are faced with relationship issues, career choices and the implications and consequences that arise from bad decisions—and, yes, we all make them. Although, to my knowledge, there are no sex videos starring yours truly floating around anywhere. Yet one more thing to be grateful for.
It’s important to get advice on what to do, but it’s also helpful to figure out what not to do. Reality TV and reality in general is a great resource for that info. What not to do? Don’t let anyone treat you less than you deserve to be treated. Don’t allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship. Don’t treat others differently than you want to be treated. Don’t get into cars with strangers. Don’t put something on the Internet that you don’t want the world to see. Don’t ever let anyone photograph you naked unless his name is Hugh Hefner and he’s handing you a big fat check afterwards. Don’t play with people’s emotions. Don’t take yourself or life too seriously. Don’t cry over spilt milk. Don’t try too hard to make the wrong relationship work. Trust me when I say that I will be reading these on a regular basis because I need the reminder as much as anyone.
If I were to write down all of mom’s advice, the list would look something like this:
- Respect others.
- Love yourself above anyone else.
- Don’t run out of gas.
- Have fun.
- Forgive yourself on a daily basis.
- Forgive your friends often and sincerely.
- Make others laugh and smile.
- Remember birthdays.
- Buy good shoes; they are in an investment.
Mom might not have had all the answers, but she would have listened, and more importantly, she would have let me cry without judging. She would have always said I was special and beautiful and deserved to be happy. “Be happy—it will all work out.” Thanks, Mom. I miss you.
